the drummer's daughter
Most days since my father passed away I try my best to hold it together and focus on the happy memories and the happy signs he sends me now, but this week will always be the most difficult week of the year to get through. My father, two years ago entered hospice care where he passed away from liver cancer. My hero and the man who loved me unconditionally from the moment I was born left this earth and it was and still is just really hard to cope with sometimes. I being an only child have felt that I have no one to turn to who can understand sometimes. My dad was my best friend and he was always so proud of me, and I of him. It’s hard to look back at this week two years ago, because I saw the strongest and kindest man I knew being tormented by an incredibly evil and heart-wrenching disease. I know time will help me heal, but it still feels like I’m there sometimes and that it just happened yesterday. I love and miss you dad and I wish that sometimes it didn’t feel like you were so far away. 🥁❤️
I am forever grateful for my love and my best friend. We’re always on the same wavelength when it comes to wanting to learn, grow and explore. Always surround yourself with people who inspire you and nurture your spirit. I spent quite a long time surrounding myself with negative close relationships because that’s what I thought I deserved or I guess I just settled for it. But life is much too short and there are so many kindhearted, likeminded people out there to waste your time on those who make you feel unworthy. You are worth it! If you give yourself the time and space to love yourself, you will find the people who want to do nothing but the same ❤️
Cultivating self-love is something that I never knew how to do, at least not well. I could never just embrace myself the way that I was, as is. I was always thinking of future Kimberlyn and what she looked like and who she would be and think of my present self as just not satisfactory enough. I’d have thoughts like “One day when my hair is waist length, that’s when I’ll be completely me” or “When I lose that last 20 pounds I’ll be who I’m supposed to be”. There’s nothing wrong with having goals for yourself, but my thoughts weren’t goals. They were me not being connected with all that I am now, right here. I was just living in what I like to call ‘the buffer zone’. Not quite present, always daydreaming of a day and a version of me that may frankly, never exist. I think I finally had my aha moment when something just clicked and I realized all that I am and every part of me, right now is all I need. All of the potential to be the best version of myself is in me, and if I just embrace each moment without beating myself up about every little thing I don’t like about myself, life will be much more enjoyable. And it has been! I stopped with trying to be things I’m not, I stopped putting so much pressure on myself, and let me tell you, it’s soooo liberating. I stopped putting so much emphasis on my outward appearance and started taking care of my w h o l e self, my w h o l e soul, and I feel free. It’s much easier said than done, but the first step is just letting go of any and every expectation of yourself, if only for a moment, and just be, just simply be.
“For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. Its shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.” - Cynthia Occelli For those that have known me, I change my path and interests a lot more often than I probably should. But that’s okay! I have found that being too restrictive on myself, telling myself that I can only be one thing or only focus on one thing at a time no longer helps me to grow but has in fact, hindered me. I end up feeling too much pressure to be too much of one thing and to only fit into one world that I just retreat and disappear altogether for a while. Don’t get me wrong, I adore fibre arts and making, in fact it’s what I do for my full time job. But that’s just it, unfortunately it can seem like my job away from my job and I didn’t want it to feel like I’m working all of the time. I love to crochet & knit, but I need to step back for a while and follow where I feel like heart and other interests are leading me now with this account. I miss my roots, my even deeper roots of writing and photography and film making/editing. But I don’t want to be even THAT limited on myself. I sometimes envy those that can be incredibly passionate about one thing, and that’s so inspiring and a wonderful way to be, but I myself have never been that way and I don’t know why I’ve been forcing myself to. I learned a new word recently which made me feel like my way of being isn’t wrong, I’m not indecisive, I’m not flaky, but in fact I am liminal. In fact, lots of us are. Liminality by definition means “occupying at or on both sides of a boundary or threshold” meaning you’re not quite one thing and you’re not quite the other, but a little bit of both. I am getting rid of the boundaries made for myself on this account, I hope you will stick around and hopefully find something of value that I post in the future, but if not I understand. The Drummer’s Daughter is still me, 100% me, but I hope to create a space that people can come to for positive inspiration and hope in the darkness. Much love, Kimberlyn 🥁💙
bloggers like this: